The F word

No.

Not that F word.

This F word.....Failure.

Have y'all ever battled failure? Failure as a wife? Failure as a momma? Failure as an employee? Failure as a friend? Failure as a child of God?

I am battling that right now. In all the aspects I mention above. Particularly as a momma. I know, I know, I know I need to "cherish these moments" b/c one day when they are teenagers, I'm gonna be wishing they were toddlers again. But I swear, if one more person tells me that, they are going see the horns pop out of my head and smoke outta my nose and ears! Take for instance the nice man with his polite 10 year old checking out in front of me at the doctor's office this morning. Me and my gang were directly behind him, with my gang swooshin' and a spittin' and a Pow!Bam!Boom!Hiiii-yah! going on. I wasn't annoyed with the noises they were making - I have learned to pick and choose my battles these days - but I was annoyed with my boys for kicking the walls and leaving scuff marks on them. So I asked them to sit down along the wall while we waited....which lasted for about 4.7 seconds. They were up again, shooting their pretend webs at one another, Peyterbug blasting off into space as Iron Man, then changing his mind to the Pink Power Ranger.....I ask that they sit down again. This is when the nice man says, I recognize those sounds, enjoy every minute of it. I sure miss it. Me, well if you miss it so much, want to take these two with you for a day? Ha! I am not even going to mention that Peyterbug colored on the wall while I was checking work email.....geeze.

Failure as a wife.

Y'all, I stink at being a wife. I mean, stink to high heaven. I don't cook. I am selfish. I almost always put Bill second, or third, or fourth or twentieth....marriage is hard sometimes and sometimes I don't even want to try. But I do. Because he's my lobster...and lobsters mate for life :)

Failure as a friend.

I consider myself a good friend. Everyone needs a Jess in their lives, I'm hardly ever serious, I can't sing but do anyways, I have funny stories - majority of them are about myself and the stupid things I do. I LOVE being around my friends, girls, guys, family, strangers. I'm so much like my dad in the aspect of I've never met a stranger. And stranger, I actually feel sorry for you if you sit by me on the airplane b/c chances are, you aren't going to get your cat nap in or work on that spreadsheet either if I'm next to you. But I forget to call you back. Or text you back. I forget you had something important coming up and forgot to call and ask how that went. Bill makes fun of me b/c I'll send myself emails reminding to do things. You gots to do what you gots to do.

Failure as a child of God.

Ugh. I hate this one the most. Other than church on Sunday, I can't remember the last time I read my bible. And that bothers the heck out of me. But do I do anything about it? Nope. Why not?! It is sitting right there on the end table, next to the coaster. I placed my phone on top of it last night. So why didn't I pick it up and read it? Instead I chose to play with my phone for a little bit and go to bed.

Failure as an athlete.

Ok, so it sounds a little funny when I say that out loud. I mean, am I really an athlete? I don't compete in anything, don't play professionally...so it sounds funny. Anyways, I almost cried Monday at the gym. Me. Crying.Atthegym. Who does that? I just completed this WOD under 41 mins.....

Run 1600m
150 II unders
50 Burpees
Run 800m
100 II Unders
35 Burpees
Run 400m
50 II Unders
20 Burpees

And I was mad at myself for not getting a better time! Who does this? I completed the WOD, I didn't stop. I didn't quit. I finished. So why am I beating myself up over my stupid time? Everyone else was finishing anywhere from 35 mins to 50 mins...or they scaled it down and completed it in less time. And that's fine. So why did I almost cry?

I know my body is changing because of lupus and the medicine I am on. I am struggling with things that have never bothered me before, but now they do. I don't have much of an appetite these days, thanks to the medicine - which I am SO thankful for - but if I don't eat, I don't have energy. It's hard for me to realize I have pushed myself to far, until after the fact....my pride is taking a beating. I've always been the Go-To Girl, give it Jess, she'll take care of it....but now I feel like I have lost my super women cape.

Maybe this is God's way of telling me it's ok to ask for help. It's ok to not bite of more than you can chew. It's ok to say no. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.

The Post I didn't want to write Post

So I haven't blogged in forever. Like, for-ev-er.....mostly because my 'season of life' has me coming and going, not even sure what day it is, are these jeans clean, did I brush my teeth this morning busy. And that's ok. But now I have something to blog about.

I have lupus.
I.have.lupus.
I
have
lupus
.

The more times I say it, the less likely it will disappear. But sometimes I like to pretend that it could happen.

Let me back the truck up and start at the beginning. Back in Nov/Dec, I started noticing my hands and/or feet turning white and going numb. The first time I noticed this was after a 7am CrossFit work out. While it is normal to puke after an intense workout or pass out, it is not normal for me to lose feelings in my hands/feet and them go numb. I went home, took the hottest shower known to man kind, hubby rubbed my hands, we tried everything to get the feeling and circulation back to them. Finally after several hours, all was normal. It was very painful and weird. My hands were literally white like snow.

After this happening a few more times, after a work out, middle of the day, whenever, I called my personal, 24 hour on call doctor, my bestie for the restie. I texted her a pic and she immediately called back and said, looks like Raynaud's Syndrome. So I checked that out and was like, yea, it does kind of sound like that.....

So that went on all through the winter months. And lemme tell ya, it was so annoying. The slightest bit of cold I got, which I am cold all.the.time, was usually when they would go numb. Now let's fast forward to April.....somehow, I sprained my foot. You would think one would remember what one did to cause this sprain, but nope, not me. I just woke up with it swollen and bruised and could barely walk. A normal person with minor pain would probably sit out a few weeks from all activity. Again, nope, not me. I finally broke down and went to my Doc. We were going on vacation in a few weeks and I really didn't want to be in a boot or any other sort of brace on the beaches of Mexico so I figured I better get it checked out. He took some x-rays and started asking some general Q's. I then go, Oh hey, and BTW, my hands turn white! And I feel weird, not sick, but not well. I was kind of being a smarty pants, but kind of not. So then, those not so general Q's turned into more serious Q's which lead to our discussion on lupus. He ran some prelim tests. Three to be exact. And two out of three came back with indications of lupus.

Fast forward a couple of weeks later, I find myself in the waiting room to a specialist. The whole time thinking, it has to be a false positive. No one in my family, either side, has been diagnosed with lupus, how on earth can I be the first one? I just didn't get it. This time, the Q's were more detailed, covering everything to my miscarriage in 2003 to my back pain after I had Peyton James to what color I paint my toenails. Ok, so not really about the polish, but it felt like we were laying everything out on the table so we might as well talk about polish, right? Right. And how do I know that what I think is common, is not really so common? Oh I sometimes go to bed by 8pm multiple times a week? Oh, I'm that person that needs 14 hours of sleep? Oh, my eyes are so dry that they constantly water?

Tests would take a couple weeks to get back, we'll see you then.

Ok. Sure. No problem. Two weeks? No big deal.

I was able to see my personal, 24hr on call doctor, bestie for the restie a few days before my follow up. By then, I had received email notifications that most of tests were back. So thanks to modern technology, we pulled them up on my phone. Everything she read was negative or within range as to what it should be. Perfecto! It had to still be a false positive. Right? Wrong.

I go in for my follow up. We talked some more about my symptoms and about the tests results. Doc diagnoses me with mild lupus, Systemic lupus erythematosus or SLE. He prescribes a medicine called Plaquenil, one pill, twice a day. Forever.

I don't really understand all this, I'm relatively healthy, I'm never sick, lupus is not in my family (later, after talking with one of my aunts, she believes that several of them have just suffered through it or have been misdiagnosed, so that makes a little sense). But it's still hard to swallow. Apparently, females are more susceptible to lupus than males, and usually is caused by genetic or environmental factors like stress, sunlight, infection.....

I ask, is this something a diet change would help? If you tell me to eat a salad 3 times a day for forever as opposed to taking a pill twice a day, consider it done.

Did I consume too much cookie dough over the years?

Should I have really finished all that antibiotic 3 years ago?

I know I am not supposed to understand any and everything. I know this isn't stage 5 cancer and my death sentence isn't tomorrow. But it's still an adjustment, ya know? I don't get to check NA on all those little boxes on medical forms now. I'll have to always say I'm on medication....

This past Sunday, preacher man said, "God is God, and I am not". And I really needed to hear that. I am not God, but I do need to trust God.

These three scriptures instantly popped into my mind as I sat in the hospital parking lot, trying to let this all soak in...

What time I am afraid, I will put my trust in you - Ps 56:3

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight - Proverbs 3:5-6

For I know that plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future - Jer 29:11

So there you have it friends. My prayer is that this medicine will slow down the progression of this disease and that maybe, someday, I'll be able to stay up past 9 and won't have to wear gloves and socks year around.

good intentions

Y'all, I really do have good intentions on the blog thing. But somehow, my life is flying by on warp speed. I mean, is it really already mid-December? GEEZ LOUISE!

 Let's hope on the ol' memory train and discuss my oldest son's birthday. How in the world is he 5? Seriously? I'm the mother to a FIVE YEAR OLD! He had a great birthday, collected donations to the NWA Children's Shelter, had friends and family over, had a HUGE bounce house, a Narnia cake....he was pretty much in heaven. (invitations were ordered from gal pal Lindsey Hylton, check out her facebook page here)

Thanksgiving happened. We alternate Thanksgiving with our fam bam and stay home for Christmas. So this year was my year and Pop decided to come up. We had a nice quiet little Thanksgiving. Hubby had to work Friday and Saturday so after Poppy left Friday morning, me and the boys loaded up and headed  to P-town.  So thankful that I got to see all my family for Thanksgiving! And believe it or not, I was super sad that we weren't in Ada to see the Nix side. I'm pretty blessed with my in-laws and love spending time w/ them as much as my own family!

 This past weekend, me and the babies headed to St. Louis (again, the hubs had to work - booooo) for my nephew's birthday. This was the first party he's had since they have been in NC since he was just a wee lad. So it was a big party y'all, I mean big. Family and friends from his school and neighborhood all showed up. He kept telling me, "Aunt Jessie, this is the best party ever!" I was so glad we were able to make it, it meant the world to him. He was so cute introducing Parker to all his friends. Those two crack me up! I love how they pick up right where they left off, even if it's been months since they last saw each other. 

I happened to stumble upon www.reindeercam.com last night. Y'all have to check this out if you have little people in your home. At designated times (10, 5, and 8 central time) Santa and an Elf come out to feed the reindeer. Now, let me be frank, if I will.....these reindeer were obviously 6th string. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but one reindeer has already lost their antlers and the other reindeer has lost one side of their antlers. Santa and the Elf came out last night and I guess it was our lucky night b/c the Elf did a little jig for the camera. There is no sound, just a webcam set up. It is totally hokey but boy o' boy, did my boys love it. Y'all should check it out :)

And now for your thatssofunnyicantmakethisstuffup story. I was just about finished with stampin' and a lickin' our Christmas cards when my pile got a little separated. I picked up a card and was like, uh, this isn't my family. I then thought to myself, well maybe they just wanted to send me the actual card so I could see how I edited from what they had vs. to what I designed....oooooo noooo. Not only did they send me another family's Christmas card, but they sent me 16!!!!! 16 Christmas cards that WERE NOT MY FAMILY! I just died laughing. Really, I can't make this stuff up!! So dear family and friends, if you happen to get a card that is addressed with our name and you open it but it is not my family, please know that I had good intentions of sending you a picture of our family but Shutterfly had other intentions.

Wavy Beach Hair

Today, I am going to share how to get sexy, wavy beach hair.....SAID NO ONE.

Y'all, I just can't figure this stuff out. I've tried diy pinterest ideas and they were both a flop. My hair is super fine, thin, layered, thinning.... I'm pretty sure I have the worst hair on the planet....I am glad I have hair, don't get me wrong, but some days, I love it more than others.

So, let's discuss the diy experiment numero uno.

Both ideas I found on pinterst. This one did involve a straightener. The "hair model" sectioned her hair into 2 pieces and twisted them together.. Holding the ends, she ran the straightener over the twist. She untwisted and ran her hands through her hair and it was gorgeous y'all. Seriously. So I said, I can do that. So yesterday after I showered and dried my hair, I sectioned my hair into a top section and bottom section since I have layers. I sectioned the top section into 2 pieces and twisted it. It was about the size of a pencil, no joke. Than ran my straightener over it. I did the bottom next and when I had both the top and bottom sections down, I untwisted it and ran my fingers through it. My results were humiliating....and that is putting it mildly. Here is the result.

I tried salvaging it, but my hair is the type that once a curling iron or straightener touches it, you can't get it to do anything else. Plus, I was already running late. Note to self, wake up earlier during the week to fix hair or experiment on the weekends.

Experiment numero dos. Curling your hair with a sock. Yep, you read that right.

For this technique, you get a sock and cut the toe off. I used one of my dress socks that hadn't had a mate :) I flipped my head over and gather my hair into a high pony tail. I got it a little wet and put my hair through the top of the sock and rolled my hair over the sock, you kind of have to tuck and roll...tuck your hair under the sock and roll, repeat. I slept on it and woke up this morning, just giddy with excitement. And a headache b/c I never sleep with my hair up. Hoping for the best I unrolled my hair and took it out of the pony tail. OHMYGOSH this was the worst experiment to date. It was kinky, frizzy, and just awful y'all! So guess who is wearing a pony tail? Yep, this girl. I have Cross Fit today anyways so it would have ended in a pony tail anyways.

Have y'all tried to get sexy beach waves? Is my hair just not made for it? Out of the two techniques I tried, the first one was better than the last one, so I may just have to keep messing with it until I get it. Or keep researching ideas. Or give up on the idea. I can get some pretty curly hair when I use my curling iron, but I was looking for something a little looser....I may just have to try a bigger barrel on the curling iron.....

Cross Fit

I figured y'all would like an update. My girl and I finished our On Ramp classes last week and I have done 3 classes. No lie, my stomach does flip flops every time I pull into the parking lot! It is SO INTIMIDATING!!!! Some folks aren't overly friendly so that makes it worse. But I have met some nice folks and one lady gave me some really good advice. She said to not get so caught up with what everyone else is doing, you're not there to race against your neighbor for the fastest time or the most reps or weights, you're there to improve your own body and improve your own time. So I have to keep telling myself this. I actually really do enjoy it, I was just getting so burned out on just running. I also really, really need to work on my eating habits. I've done good with cutting back on sugar snacks, cookies, ice cream, etc...it's just that freaking coke. Sigh.

Don't Blink

Today, we celebrate Parker's 5th birthday. How is that even remotely possible? I know it's totally cliche, but it soooooo feels like yesterday we were at the hospital with him. Last night, I just happen to still be awake around 10:30 (strange, I know) and thought, wow, 5 years ago at this time I was in labor.....a few hours later at 4:26 AM, he makes his appearance. My kids are someone who I would seriously go to battle for, I would rather feel pain than to watch them in pain, I would rather lose all my limbs and go blind if it meant to save their limbs or go blind. I mean, that is love right? Kind of reminds me of a certain man, JC. He loved with all he had, he endured pain and suffering for me, for you, for all his children. And I would do the same. So thankful for my salvation and for the honor to be called a mother.

We have started the day off pretty good, a room full of balloons for the birthday boy. And birthday donuts. 

And last night, he helped me make a fruit pizza for his friends at school today. I have to be honest and say that I have never made one before. I used a recipe from Pioneer Woman for the cream cheese mixture and bought the sugar cookie pre-made. So hopefully it'll taste good....I'm sure to a bunch of 5 year olds, they'd eat anything, right? Ha!

Now, let's talk a walk through memory lane, shall we?



Happy Birthday lil man!

My 20-11 Birthday

This past weekend, I celebrated my 20-11 birthday (20+11 = X) or we could call it my 29th 2nd anniversary. Or we could call it what it actually is, but I have an issue with that. I'm not really sure why.....I mean, I have an awesome life, great family, ah-mazing husband, wonderful chillen's, great church, great job, everything is just great, great, great. So I'm not really sure why turning another year older makes me cringe and just curl up in bed? I am taking this year a lot better than last year, so maybe it really does get better :)

We actually had our little cousins with us this weekend. I love watching Baylie (the youngest) play with Parker. Their conversations literally crack me up. I was able to get an early morning run in Saturday and came back to a big breakfast and one of my presents. After breakfast, we loaded up and met our friends the Murray's at the park for a little bit. Played some more, ate some more, left to drop Rylie off at a friends and came home to a cake. (Hubs really knows what I want - ha!) Later on, we met Greg and Angie to drop off the girls and they were actually meeting us for dinner, along with our good friends the Roe's at my favorite pizza place. Cake, Coke, and pizza.....I'm really not to hard to please :)

Sunday was our typical Sunday, woke up early for church, only to arrive late (does anyone else have this problem?) Worked in a Cross Fit work out, laundry, grocery shopping and dinner. I love the weekends!!!

Cross Fit is going well, I have done 2 of the drop-in classes and started my on ramp training yesterday. I have 5 on ramps to do and then I'll be ready to go full force. I know this sounds ridiculously strange, but I am loving it. Every time I pull into the parking lot, my stomach does flip flops and I feel like I'm about to barf. I don't know why I get so nervous! Anyways since I'm turning over a new leaf, that means I need to depart with my love affair of sugar. I mean seriously, if I could live off sugar and chicken/fish, I'd be one.happy.girl. I totally feel off the rocker Saturday (hello - it was my birthday!!!) but had a great day Sunday (only a SIP of Bill's coke and NO SWEETS! Not even a piece of cake!) and Monday was good, I did have 1 coke....today has been okay, I'm doing better with not eating sweets than I am giving up coke. But if I keep it at one a day or one ever other day, I'm ok with that....for now anyways.

We have a busy week ahead of us, Parker's birthday is this Friday and the party is Saturday. We also have our family pics tomorrow. Fun, fun, fun!!!!!

Crossfit is no joke y'all!

Yesterday, I experienced my first CrossFit work out. I have been wanting to join for awhile now so I finally looked it up. They offer 3 sessions for free, to let you try it out and then you sign up. And y'all, this was no joke. I can honestly say that I have never felt the urge to puke after a work out until now. Not even running bleachers or suicides during basketball practice back in the day. I distinctly remember running 20+ suicides after a ball game one night b/c that is how many free throws we missed during a game and lost. Then we had to practice free throws the next practice......all.practice.long.

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yea.....puking....

So before we got started, my new BFF ran through all the drills/circuits with me. And seriously, I thought to myself, is this it? Well Praise the Lord I didn't say that out loud. Because I would have been immobile from that point on. I really like the concept of CrossFit so I am pretty excited to start it....a little demented, eh?

Here is how my work out went (and here is why I am barely able to move today)

• 30 wall balls (stand arms width from wall, hold a 15 lbs medicine ball chest level, squat and when you coming to a standing position, throw the ball up, aiming for a target on wall)
• run 1 mile
• 30 ring up's (can't remember the technical term but you hold onto some rings, walk your body down until you are parallel to floor and pull up)
• run 1 mile
• 35 burpees (or up/downs....everyone else's goal was 50, but since it was my first day, BFF said to do 35....well I did those, then he walked over and said, ok, do 50. I love a good challenge, especially if it means me belly flopping to the ground and humiliating myself in front of 30 people....I didn't really belly flop, but I totally could have)

I told my new BFF that I could run all day long, it's this other stuff that I haven't done in a while....but man oh man, I loved the feeling afterward!

So I guess you can say I am hook.....I am dying to have arms like Jillian Michael....that is my ultimate goal. And if I can get the rest of my body that toned, I guess that is just the icing on the cake!!!!

Mmmmm....cake......