Not that F word.
This F word.....Failure.
Have y'all ever battled failure? Failure as a wife? Failure as a momma? Failure as an employee? Failure as a friend? Failure as a child of God?
I am battling that right now. In all the aspects I mention above. Particularly as a momma. I know, I know, I know I need to "cherish these moments" b/c one day when they are teenagers, I'm gonna be wishing they were toddlers again. But I swear, if one more person tells me that, they are going see the horns pop out of my head and smoke outta my nose and ears! Take for instance the nice man with his polite 10 year old checking out in front of me at the doctor's office this morning. Me and my gang were directly behind him, with my gang swooshin' and a spittin' and a Pow!Bam!Boom!Hiiii-yah! going on. I wasn't annoyed with the noises they were making - I have learned to pick and choose my battles these days - but I was annoyed with my boys for kicking the walls and leaving scuff marks on them. So I asked them to sit down along the wall while we waited....which lasted for about 4.7 seconds. They were up again, shooting their pretend webs at one another, Peyterbug blasting off into space as Iron Man, then changing his mind to the Pink Power Ranger.....I ask that they sit down again. This is when the nice man says, I recognize those sounds, enjoy every minute of it. I sure miss it. Me, well if you miss it so much, want to take these two with you for a day? Ha! I am not even going to mention that Peyterbug colored on the wall while I was checking work email.....geeze.
Failure as a wife.
Y'all, I stink at being a wife. I mean, stink to high heaven. I don't cook. I am selfish. I almost always put Bill second, or third, or fourth or twentieth....marriage is hard sometimes and sometimes I don't even want to try. But I do. Because he's my lobster...and lobsters mate for life :)
Failure as a friend.
I consider myself a good friend. Everyone needs a Jess in their lives, I'm hardly ever serious, I can't sing but do anyways, I have funny stories - majority of them are about myself and the stupid things I do. I LOVE being around my friends, girls, guys, family, strangers. I'm so much like my dad in the aspect of I've never met a stranger. And stranger, I actually feel sorry for you if you sit by me on the airplane b/c chances are, you aren't going to get your cat nap in or work on that spreadsheet either if I'm next to you. But I forget to call you back. Or text you back. I forget you had something important coming up and forgot to call and ask how that went. Bill makes fun of me b/c I'll send myself emails reminding to do things. You gots to do what you gots to do.
Failure as a child of God.
Ugh. I hate this one the most. Other than church on Sunday, I can't remember the last time I read my bible. And that bothers the heck out of me. But do I do anything about it? Nope. Why not?! It is sitting right there on the end table, next to the coaster. I placed my phone on top of it last night. So why didn't I pick it up and read it? Instead I chose to play with my phone for a little bit and go to bed.
Failure as an athlete.
Ok, so it sounds a little funny when I say that out loud. I mean, am I really an athlete? I don't compete in anything, don't play professionally...so it sounds funny. Anyways, I almost cried Monday at the gym. Me. Crying.Atthegym. Who does that? I just completed this WOD under 41 mins.....
150 II unders
100 II Unders
50 II Unders
And I was mad at myself for not getting a better time! Who does this? I completed the WOD, I didn't stop. I didn't quit. I finished. So why am I beating myself up over my stupid time? Everyone else was finishing anywhere from 35 mins to 50 mins...or they scaled it down and completed it in less time. And that's fine. So why did I almost cry?
I know my body is changing because of lupus and the medicine I am on. I am struggling with things that have never bothered me before, but now they do. I don't have much of an appetite these days, thanks to the medicine - which I am SO thankful for - but if I don't eat, I don't have energy. It's hard for me to realize I have pushed myself to far, until after the fact....my pride is taking a beating. I've always been the Go-To Girl, give it Jess, she'll take care of it....but now I feel like I have lost my super women cape.
Maybe this is God's way of telling me it's ok to ask for help. It's ok to not bite of more than you can chew. It's ok to say no. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok. It's ok.